Confessions of an Inactive Mormon Girl

Wow. Way to come right out and say it, Becky. Let's not ease people slowly into it. No, let's just throw it out there and rip the bandaid off as quickly as possible. Hah. Back in January of 2011 I wrote my first blog post and mentioned how my family had seen some dramatic changes that I might one day type about if I got enough brave-osity thrumming through my veins. This is it, folks!! This is the day. I've got brave-osity thrumming out the whazoooo!!! Maybe. Possibly. Probably. Okay, I'm afraid..... but since I've already spilled the beans, there's just no going back. I'm out of the Mormon closet. ;)

I was raised Mormon. Very Mormon. Utah County Mormon. I love Mormons. They are my family and friends. I have a lot of respect for them, and due to that respect and love, my typing fingers have been stilled in typing out this blog, mostly from fear of how it might be received. I also don't want people to feel like I'm attacking their religion. That is definitely not my objective here.

I personally don't hold the truth that the Mormon church is the one true church as I was brought up to believe any longer. My little family has been mostly inactive for the past five years. I would never, not in a million years have seen myself in this position any time prior to that. I had what I believed to be a strong testimony. I wanted to go on a mission. My husband served his mission and we both were considered strong members of the church. I truly believed that the gospel was the main key to my happiness in life, and could not see my life without it.

We didn't leave the church because we were offended. We didn't leave because we didn't care. We didn't leave because we stopped going to the temple, reading scriptures, praying, or because we were “sinning,” or because we wanted to sin. We weren't reviewing “anti-mormon” literature. Our decision to leave was incredibly difficult and extremely painful. It was mostly based on what we learned from real church history, among other things. My perceptions of truth were flipped upside down, and my husband and I often refer to it as our “Truman Show” moment. Waking up and feeling like your life has been fabricated in many ways is not an easy pill to swallow. To have a belief in something that you clung to so passionately unravel and crumble before your eyes is devastating. It took a lot of time, a whole lot of prayer, and a whole lot of talking to arrive at this decision.

Most people who leave the church are afraid to talk about it, mostly for fear of judgment. It often seems like most members in the church immediately believe something is drastically wrong with you, and that you're obviously not doing the right things in your life. I have seen so much heartache among many of my friends and family members over this, and it tends to add to the pile of guilt and sadness that you feel. What am I not doing right? Maybe they're right....maybe I could be doing better. There's obviously something wrong with me. WHY am I like this? Finally, I came to the shaky conclusion that, you know what, world? I try to be a really good person. I try to be a good mom. I'm trying to do what's right. It takes SO much courage to stand up for yourself and do what you believe is right, regardless of what everyone may think of you. To me, that is true integrity. And I really want to be a person of integrity.

My hubby and I were a little nervous to move back to Utah and leave our diverse San Antonio behind. In San Antonio, I could wear a tank top and not have people immediately judging me for baring my shoulders. I had neighbors of all different religious denominations around me and we simply loved and accepted each other. I've loved living here so far, but some things do worry me.

I've been lucky.  My neighbors, friends, and my family have been really great to me, but I have worried that I'm seen as slightly poisonous to those people in my life, that someone might feel the  need to make sure that I don't talk to any impressionable youth that might be around, or spread my "poisonous" beliefs.  I used to teach the young women in my ward, and I was also a primary chorister. I LOVED it. Sometimes I feel like now people might view me as an untrustworthy person simply because of my church status, and that they wouldn't want me around their children. That truly saddens me. Growing up in Mormonism, you're taught to be Christlike and accepting toward everyone, but the reality is all too often the opposite. Those who aren't members of the church, especially in Utah County, often seem to be ostracized and unwelcome. I speak not only from my own experience, but from many of my friends as well that have been through similar experiences. You are taught in the Mormon church not to date nonmembers. What will that do for my three young children? How will that make them feel? I've heard of families that won't allow their children to play with the inactive children for fear of them tainting their own, and I've even had that happen to me once a friend discovered I wasn't a member. What kind of Christlike loving is that?!!

Everyone's different, thank goodness. Everyone has their different journeys in life, and mine has taken me in a direction that many may not approve of, but it's honestly been a great direction for us. We are happy. We are raising some really, really good kids, and I've been so proud of them. Many people within the Mormon culture often talk about the families within the “mission field” with only two Mormons in the High School with such adoration. Nobody ever mentions the brave, brave, non-Mormon souls living in Utah.

Last year, Elder Marlin Jensen, the Mormon church's outgoing official historian, acknowledged that members are defecting from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints "in droves" and that the pace is increasing.

I'm sure many of my readers here know of someone personally that may be “struggling with their testimony” or who may not believe in the church anymore. If anything, hopefully this blog post will give some insight that can help you find compassion for these people. All too often, when a person is struggling with faith issues, families turn on each other, even leading to divorce in many cases. Please keep in mind that just because someone may start to have differing religious views, that doesn't make them a bad father/mother/sister/friend, and that they are still the same person you know and love. Love them. Reach out to them. Try to understand them. They need you.