I was raised Mormon. Very Mormon.
Utah County Mormon. I love Mormons. They are my family and friends.
I have a lot of respect for them, and due to that respect and love,
my typing fingers have been stilled in typing out this blog, mostly
from fear of how it might be received. I also don't want people to
feel like I'm attacking their religion. That is definitely not my
objective here.
I personally don't hold the truth that
the Mormon church is the one true church as I was brought up to
believe any longer. My little family has been mostly inactive for
the past five years. I would never, not in a million years have seen
myself in this position any time prior to that. I had what I
believed to be a strong testimony. I wanted to go on a mission. My
husband served his mission and we both were considered strong members
of the church. I truly believed that the gospel was the main key to
my happiness in life, and could not see my life without it.
We didn't leave the church because we
were offended. We didn't leave because we didn't care. We didn't
leave because we stopped going to the temple, reading scriptures,
praying, or because we were “sinning,” or because we wanted to sin. We weren't reviewing
“anti-mormon” literature. Our decision to leave was incredibly
difficult and extremely painful. It was mostly based on what we
learned from real church history, among other things. My perceptions
of truth were flipped upside down, and my husband and I often refer
to it as our “Truman Show” moment. Waking up and feeling like
your life has been fabricated in many ways is not an easy pill to
swallow. To have a belief in something that you clung to so
passionately unravel and crumble before your eyes is devastating. It
took a lot of time, a whole lot of prayer, and a whole lot of talking
to arrive at this decision.
Most people who leave the church are
afraid to talk about it, mostly for fear of judgment. It often seems
like most members in the church immediately believe something is
drastically wrong with you, and that you're obviously not doing the
right things in your life. I have seen so much heartache among many
of my friends and family members over this, and it tends to add to
the pile of guilt and sadness that you feel. What am I not doing
right? Maybe they're right....maybe I could be doing better. There's
obviously something wrong with me. WHY am I like this? Finally, I
came to the shaky conclusion that, you know what, world? I try to be
a really good person. I try to be a good mom. I'm trying to do
what's right. It takes SO much courage to stand up for yourself and
do what you believe is right, regardless of what everyone may think
of you. To me, that is true integrity. And I really want to be a
person of integrity.
My hubby and I were a little nervous to
move back to Utah and leave our diverse San Antonio behind. In San
Antonio, I could wear a tank top and not have people immediately
judging me for baring my shoulders. I had neighbors of all different
religious denominations around me and we simply loved and accepted
each other. I've loved living here so far, but some things do worry
me.
I've been lucky. My neighbors, friends, and my family have been really great to me, but I have worried that I'm seen as slightly
poisonous to those people in my life, that someone might feel the need to make sure
that I don't talk to any impressionable youth that might be around, or spread my "poisonous" beliefs.
I used to teach the young women in my ward, and I was also a primary
chorister. I LOVED it. Sometimes I feel like now people might view
me as an untrustworthy person simply because of my church status, and
that they wouldn't want me around their children. That truly saddens
me. Growing up in Mormonism, you're taught to be Christlike and
accepting toward everyone, but the reality is all too often the
opposite. Those who aren't members of the church, especially in Utah
County, often seem to be ostracized and unwelcome. I speak not only
from my own experience, but from many of my friends as well that have
been through similar experiences. You are taught in the Mormon
church not to date nonmembers. What will that do for my three young
children? How will that make them feel? I've heard of families that
won't allow their children to play with the inactive children for
fear of them tainting their own, and I've even had that happen to me once a friend discovered I wasn't a member. What kind of Christlike loving is
that?!!
Everyone's different, thank goodness.
Everyone has their different journeys in life, and mine has taken me
in a direction that many may not approve of, but it's honestly been a
great direction for us. We are happy. We are raising some really,
really good kids, and I've been so proud of them. Many people within
the Mormon culture often talk about the families within the “mission
field” with only two Mormons in the High School with such
adoration. Nobody ever mentions the brave, brave, non-Mormon souls
living in Utah.
Last year, Elder Marlin Jensen, the
Mormon church's outgoing official historian, acknowledged
that members are defecting from the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints "in droves" and that the pace is
increasing.
I'm sure many of my readers here know
of someone personally that may be “struggling with their testimony”
or who may not believe in the church anymore. If anything, hopefully
this blog post will give some insight that can help you find
compassion for these people. All too often, when a person is
struggling with faith issues, families turn on each other, even
leading to divorce in many cases. Please keep in mind that just
because someone may start to have differing religious views, that
doesn't make them a bad father/mother/sister/friend, and that they
are still the same person you know and love. Love them. Reach out
to them. Try to understand them. They need you.
